VINTAGE BOOK : I Want To Be a Librarian (second installment)

Welcome back to the second & final installment of this thrilling tale of a young girl's tragic descent into library delirium at the hands of a manipulative and bookish madwoman...

I want to be a LIBRARIAN

by Carla Greene

illustrations by Frances Eckart

Copyright 1960 by Childrens Press USA

     Miss Brown found two books about dogs. They were books that Jane could read.

     "And I would like this book, too," said Jane. It was called,

          HOW TO SAIL A BOAT.

     "That book is hard to read," said Miss Brown.

                "You're much too stupid for that one."

     "My brother, Joe, will like this," said Jane.

     Miss Brown put a date on a card in each book.
     "Bring the books back on this date," she said.
     "Don't be late. You must pay a fine for late books."
               "Are you ready to pay that price, Jane? Do you know what true pain is?" asked Miss Brown.
     "I will take good care of the books and bring them back on time," said Jane.

Ah, and here is Joe, Jane's gay little brother with his sailor hat and shorty-shorts...

     "This is a wonderful book," said Joe. "It tells me what I want to know about sailing. 
               Oh, I think Joe's already done some "sailing."
     I want to be a good sailor.
               Mm-hm...
     What do you want to be, Jane?"
     "I want to be a good librarian, someday," said Jane. "I will help people find good books."
     "Miss Brown does other things, too," said Joe.
               That's my favorite line in the whole book.

Oh, wow, that's totally NOT what I thought he meant...

I wonder if Miss Brown ever just loses her shit and starts crying and screaming at all those demanding teachers? Or maybe that's just me.

     "How do you get to be a librarian, Miss Brown?" asked Jane.
     "You should go through college, Jane," said Miss Brown.
               "Even though you're a girl."
     "Then you should study another year in a Library School. And you should like children and books."
               I'm pretty sure that part is not required anymore.

"Now remember all that I've taught you, ladies, and don't be afraid to KILL should it prove necessary."

     One day Miss Brown let Jane help her.
     They drove out into the country.
               ...with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a loaded gun.
     "Here comes the book bus!" cried the children.
               They all glanced sadly at the little shrine by the side of the road where the last child had been struck and killed by Miss Brown in one of her drunken book bus rages.
     Miss Brown helped the children choose books.
     And Jane helped a little boy find a good book about turtles.

But unfortunately, stupid, STUPID Jane didn't know enough to hold the book right side up.

     On the way home, they saw Joe in his sailboat.
               Another boy's head popped up inside the boat, right next to Joe!
     He waved to them.
               Then the other boy's head bobbed back down.
     "Joe learned a lot from that book about sailing," said Jane.
     "You will make a good librarian someday," said Miss Brown. "I hope that you will come and work with me."
               "...and I will show you the dark one who slumbers in the catacombs beneath the library."

This picture is so idyllic, it reminds me of when I was a little girl...

               Well, that's the end. Your book report is due a week from today. Do not forget to write your name at the top, and mind your margins.

VINTAGE BOOK : I Want To Be a Librarian (first installment)

          I'm not sure where I picked up this discarded old library book, but I find it charming and amusingly lame. And kind of sad in this day and age when I bet there are fewer and fewer people who want to be librarians, considering all the budget cuts and layoffs happening in our public library systems!

          I will transcribe the text of the book faithfully, and leave my snarky comments in red.

I want to be a LIBRARIAN



by Carla Greene

illustrations by Frances Eckart

copyright 1960, Childrens Press USA

     Jane walked toward the library.

               That is an ACTION-PACKED opening sentence.

     She had never been inside the library.

     "I wish Joe had come with me," she thought.

     Joe was Jane's big brother.

     He would not come to the library.

     He had a fine new boat.

               Wait, what? What does his boat have to do with anything? Oh, I get it- he doesn't want to come to the library because he's too busy "playing with his fine new boat." But doesn't that sound like a non sequitur at first? And then it sounds like a euphemism.

Maybe Jane can help out this angry, stupid little girl who got her dress caught in the door.

     Jane went up to the door of the library.

     She read what it said on the door.

STORY HOUR

9-10

     Then she opened the door and went in.

               Where are her parents? Do they know where she is? What if instead of walking toward the library she had walked toward the old abandoned lumber mill where the crazy homeless men hang out getting drunk? Somebody needs to keep an eye on this girl.

"Miss Brown, if I join your story time will I be able to turn my head 180 degrees around as if I'm possessed by the devil, like that little boy there?"

     "What a nice room," thought Jane.

     There were books and pictures everywhere.

               No shit, Jane, it's a LIBRARY.

     Boys and girls sat in a half-circle.

               In the center was a freshly-slaughtered goat lying upon a pentagram.

     Miss Brown was the librarian.

     She smiled at Jane.

     "Come and sit here," she said.

     Miss Brown told a story that Jane liked.

     It was about a boy who had many animal friends.

               It took place in Mexico, and the boy particularly liked donkeys.

     "I want to read all the animal books in the library," said Jane.

     Miss Brown smiled.

               "That's stupid, dear."

     "That will take you a long time. There are many animal books here."

               "And many people who enjoy doing things with animals, Jane."

     "May I have a library card of my own?" asked Jane.

     "Yes," said Miss Brown.

     "Write your name here and take this card to your mother. Bring it back next week. Then I will give you your card."

               Next WEEK? I think Miss Brown must spend a lot of time sitting around on her bony ass when she should be processing library card applications.

I actually find this picture very pleasing, and just look at how dear and polite little Jane is!

She had heard many good things about a new book called "Go the Fuck To Sleep..."

     "I like dog stories," said Jane.

     Miss Brown showed Jane some drawers full of cards.

     "Let's look at the cards with the word DOG at the top. These cards have the names of books about dogs. See the number on each card. That tells me where to find the book."

               "Whoa, Miss Brown. You lost me at 'drawers full of cards,'" said Jane.

This illustration would make no sense at all to most kids now.

Stay tuned for the next scandalous installment of "I Want To Be a Librarian," in which Jane hears filthy rumors about her beloved Miss Brown. -ed

LIBRARY SIGNAGE : comics & manga, and magazines

          "Oh my god, Mr. Kovac, is the manga GONE?! WHERE DID THE COMICS GO?!"

          No, dear panicky child. Take a deep breath. I have simply switched the Reference section with the Comics & Manga. I know this is alarming at first because you're in the habit of charging into the Library and going straight to the Comics & Manga section, and today you are suddenly confronted with dry old atlases & almanacs, Business Leader Profiles, and Facts About the World's Languages. It probably feels like walking into what you think is a donut shop, only to find that it's now a dry cleaners.

          If you were to merely turn around and look over your shoulder, you would see the Comics & Manga section in all its lurid glory, occupying even more shelves than before. We actually ran out of room for all the fun stuff we were adding, so we weeded the worst old crap from the Reference section (which was larger), and moved it to the smaller shelving area where the Comic & Manga used to be crowded tightly together.

          I printed a little sign directing you to the new larger Comics & Manga section, and posted it on the end of the shelves facing out so you couldn't miss it. But the sign was simple and apparently not eye-catching enough.

          Now I have made bigger better signage by hand, more colorful and bold. Big arrows, some graphics... Will this keep the sudden jittery panic out of your eyes?



Calm down, kid, it's right around the corner!

WOULD IT KILL MICKEY MOUSE TO HELP A BROTHER OUT?

          Apparently this message was circulated to Anaheim Public Library staff recently:

Dear Staff,

As you may be aware, the Anaheim Public Library Foundation, sent a letter to their membership sharing concerns regarding the library’s budget and possible outsourcing of operations.  If you are approached by a member of the public inquiring about budget/outsourcing, etc, please use the following script and/or pass on to a supervisor. 

Yes, the library’s budget has been reduced again in FY2011/12 reflecting the economic challenges facing Anaheim. The City is looking at alternatives for library operations, including outsourcing to a for profit company.  As a member of the library staff I cannot comment on city policy, but you are welcome to refer questions or concerns to the Mayor, Council or the Anaheim Public Library Foundation.  If asked, please provide contact information (phone/address/web site) for our elected officials. 

          How can it be that the city with Disneyland raking in the bucks might have to outsource their public library to a for-profit company, possibly laying off many or all of their current library workers?

          I think outsourcing a public library is a terrible solution, and I hope the Mayor and city council (or whoever really makes these decisions) re-thinks that.

          But here's another thing- I think that stupid mouse should put his money where his family-friendly mouth is, and help out the community living in the shadow of the Matterhorn, Sleeping Beauty's Castle, and the Tower of Terror. Shouldn't that be the deal? That in exchange for letting Disney plunk its big fat ass down in the middle of the city, they would have to kick in some monetary assistance in times like these?

          The last time we went to Disneyland, by the end of the day we had spent a LOT of money, probably enough to run the library for at least a year.

THE CULTURE & INTELLIGENCE OF A COMMUNITY

          One of my writer's critique group friends, Annie, brought me this awesome card from an old library book. I believe she said the book was from the '20s. The wording is so antiquated, it's kind of endearing. Most kids probably wouldn't realize that "leaves" are actually pages, and "marker" refers to a bookmark, not a Sharpie (that would be very bad!). And it's just so bossy. I love it.
          I genuinely love #5, and wish that more people understood this very important philosophy behind the public library as an institution.
          People seem to have lost or forgotten the belief that "the culture and intelligence of a community" can be determined by its usage of libraries.  Just look at all the layoffs, cutbacks, and reductions in staffing to public and school libraries all across California.

SOMETIMES SILENCE IS NOT GOLDEN

          The last day of school for students was June 15th, and the last day of work for teachers was the 16th.  I, however, being an 11-month employee, work quietly here in the Library through the very ass-end of June and return prompt-as-you-please on August 1st.
          Few souls are left on campus during this time.  The Registrar in the counseling office across the quad, the assistant principal and the attendance clerk in the main office on the OTHER side of the quad, and me over here in the Library.  It's like we're stranded on three separate islands of solitude.  But I kind of like it that way, and rarely venture outside the Library.
          Tuesday I worked from 7 am to 3:30 pm without ONCE seeing another human being.  It's like my own bookish version of "I Am Legend."  Luckily I leave before sundown.

Don't get caught in the Library after dark!

          We've been having total June gloom, too, so not only is it silent as the grave in here, but it's also rather DARK.  Our Library has two meager rows of very high windows, so I can't see any humans from them, and don't even get much sunlight.  It finally dawned on me that half the blinds were closed, which was part of the problem, so I opened them.  Hopefully that will help.
          I've been playing my little blue iPod docking station pretty loud, but somehow it still seems too quiet.  Despite the cathartic screaming of riot grrls, the hammering of Rammstein, and the rattling noise-rock of The Kills, I can somehow STILL hear every little mouse fart echo through the cold emptiness.
          Speaking of the mouse as a symbol for silence, let's think of some famous literary mice, shall we?

          Hide the cheese...
      

JUST MEAN

          Yesterday was the last day of school for students, so the custodians must have cleaned out lockers last night.  When I walked into the Library this morning, grimy wayward textbooks and binders were all over the checkout desk, and piled high on my desk chair.  Seriously, most of them were covered in a thin film of sticky dirty grime.  I said, "Fuck THIS, man!" because I really hate dealing with textbooks.  They are not Library property, we don't purchase them or store them, and we're not responsible for them.  So there.
          Anyway, I turned and saw this enticing Toll House chocolate chip cookie box sitting on the table behind the circ desk, with lurid cookie pics all over it, and for a moment thought, "Oh!  A gift for ME?  For making the Library so awesome?"  But no, upon closer inspection it was filled with dirty, greasy old combination padlocks the kids didn't want anymore, or left on their lockers, or something.
          This is what the end of the school year is like, though.  Everyone madly trying to dump a bunch of crap on somebody else before they leave for summer break.