Thursday, August 18, 2011

VINTAGE BOOK : I Want To Be a Librarian (second installment)

Welcome back to the second & final installment of this thrilling tale of a young girl's tragic descent into library delirium at the hands of a manipulative and bookish madwoman...

I want to be a LIBRARIAN
by Carla Greene
illustrations by Frances Eckart

Copyright 1960 by Childrens Press USA

     Miss Brown found two books about dogs. They were books that Jane could read.
     "And I would like this book, too," said Jane. It was called,
          HOW TO SAIL A BOAT.
     "That book is hard to read," said Miss Brown.
                "You're much too stupid for that one."
     "My brother, Joe, will like this," said Jane.
     Miss Brown put a date on a card in each book.
     "Bring the books back on this date," she said.
     "Don't be late. You must pay a fine for late books."
               "Are you ready to pay that price, Jane? Do you know what true pain is?" asked Miss Brown.
     "I will take good care of the books and bring them back on time," said Jane.

Ah, and here is Joe, Jane's gay little brother with his sailor hat and shorty-shorts...
     "This is a wonderful book," said Joe. "It tells me what I want to know about sailing. 
               Oh, I think Joe's already done some "sailing."
     I want to be a good sailor.
               Mm-hm...
     What do you want to be, Jane?"
     "I want to be a good librarian, someday," said Jane. "I will help people find good books."
     "Miss Brown does other things, too," said Joe.

               That's my favorite line in the whole book.

Oh, wow, that's totally NOT what I thought he meant...


I wonder if Miss Brown ever just loses her shit and starts crying and screaming at all those demanding teachers? Or maybe that's just me.

     "How do you get to be a librarian, Miss Brown?" asked Jane.
     "You should go through college, Jane," said Miss Brown.
               "Even though you're a girl."
     "Then you should study another year in a Library School. And you should like children and books."
               I'm pretty sure that part is not required anymore.

"Now remember all that I've taught you, ladies, and don't be afraid to KILL should it prove necessary."
     One day Miss Brown let Jane help her.
     They drove out into the country.
               ...with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a loaded gun.
     "Here comes the book bus!" cried the children.
               They all glanced sadly at the little shrine by the side of the road where the last child had been struck and killed by Miss Brown in one of her drunken book bus rages.
     Miss Brown helped the children choose books.
     And Jane helped a little boy find a good book about turtles.

But unfortunately, stupid, STUPID Jane didn't know enough to hold the book right side up.

     On the way home, they saw Joe in his sailboat.
               Another boy's head popped up inside the boat, right next to Joe!
     He waved to them.
               Then the other boy's head bobbed back down.
     "Joe learned a lot from that book about sailing," said Jane.
     "You will make a good librarian someday," said Miss Brown. "I hope that you will come and work with me."
               "...and I will show you the dark one who slumbers in the catacombs beneath the library."

This picture is so idyllic, it reminds me of when I was a little girl...

               Well, that's the end. Your book report is due a week from today. Do not forget to write your name at the top, and mind your margins.

1 comment:

  1. Omigosh... I am laughing so hard. You are HILARIOUS, Tommy!!!! Thanks for the bedtime story! :-)

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